A day to remember and take stock

On this day one year ago I became ill and ended up in hospital. A week before I had been discharged after a seemingly successful total hip replacement. I suddenly felt very ill, high temperature, confused - signs of an infection. After what felt an eternity in Accident and Emergence at Leicester Royal Infirmary I was eventually allocated to an orthopaedic trauma ward. Although I was put in a side room I was able to observe the male part of the ward but was spared the worst excesses of the all men together culture.

Apart from routine observations, little seemed to be being done to me or for me. I was repeatedly told that this was the week when junior doctors changed jobs. I endlessly explained that I knew this and all I wanted was to get back to the orthopaedic ward and staff from which I had been discharged some days before. I was not told the ward was temporarily closed nor that the surgeon was on holiday. It took some days for this to be made clear to me and then there was a wait of some days before I was transferred back for what turned out to be a five months stay.

The memories of the holding stay in the trauma ward are still vivid. The old woman who screamed most of the night, much to the annoyance of some other patients. After some days it became clear (to me, at least) was that she had recently been widowed and wanted to wear her late husband's pyjamas but the staff did not consider this proper. Of the group of men who sat round in circle together outdoing one another as to who had the most gruesome injuries - this was quite a battle as the ward collected casualities from several motorways and from a large part of rural, and therefore farming, England. Or when the weekend trauma on call consultant sailed into the ward (an imperial lady) how the men's group's bravado simply drained away. Of the fear I experienced as I imagined that the observation machine morphed into a face which was watching me and when I told a night staffer this was immediately offered a major tranquilizer without further probing.

Although the stay on that ward lasted just over a week, it has left its mark.

I am asked if having heart failure and then having no memories surround the event and the following days has had any impact? The short answer is YES it certainly has. Apart from having "lost" some days through amnesia I also feel that something has changed. I am not sure what it is but something has changed. Something like having a reprieve granted unexpectedly - but this does not quite capture the sense. It is work in progress.

The Joiners Bruntingthorpe Leicestershire

To The Joiners in the Leicestershire village of Bruntingthorpe for lunch. The interior is done in pub style with non matching furniture. The service is attentive but not intrusive. The menus plus specials are fine as are the drinks. The food, which is plain and hearty, is well cooked and served. Overall, a splendid place for lunch.

http://www.thejoinersarms.co.uk/index.php

The owners also run the Boot Room in central Leicester.

personal update

Friends will want to know that my mobility is returning. Yesterday, for example, I managed more than I have for almost two years. The almost daily physiotherapy is now starting. Thanks for all the encouragement and support you have given to us both.

If only

Vatican Reverses Stance On Gay Marriage After Meeting Tony And Craig

http://www.theonion.com/articles/vatican-reverses-stance-on-gay-marriage-after-meet,20912/

July 13, 2011 | ISSUE 47•28

VATICAN CITY—In a stunning and unexpected reversal of long-standing doctrine, Pope Benedict XVI proclaimed the Roman Catholic Church's unequivocal support for gay marriage Tuesday, just hours after meeting Stonington, CT couple Tony Ruggiero and Craig Housinger.
Tony and Craig, whom Vatican officials called "a truly great match."
The papal decree—which authorizes priests to administer the sacrament of holy matrimony to same-sex partners and explicitly states that "homosexual relations between two consenting adults is not, and never has been, a sin"—was reportedly a direct result of the pope sharing an afternoon of engaging conversation and hearty laughter with the gay couple.
"Not only are Tony and Craig complete sweethearts, but anyone who spends more than two minutes with them can see they're clearly perfect for each other," said Benedict, who in the past has described homosexual behavior as a grave disease that threatens all of humanity. "They're fun, gracious, and simply wonderful company. And you can tell they have something special just by the way they look at each other."
"They're soulmates, really," added the pope, smiling. "Allowing them to formalize their union in the Church is the least we could do for them."
Vatican officials said the vacationing couple and the Supreme Pontiff met during a routine papal audience at St. Peter's Basilica, and "really hit it off" after discovering shared interests in photography, the piano, and Spanish cuisine.
Pope Benedict XVI claims that any law respecting the wishes of Tony and Craig is "a law I support wholeheartedly."
Though sources said the 84-year-old Benedict, a lifelong scholar of antigay ecclesiastical law, initially appeared skeptical upon meeting the pair, he was reportedly put at ease after Housinger spoke a few humorous lines to the pope in his native German and Ruggiero effusively complimented his gold cuff links, touching off a friendly conversation that effectively upended 2,000 years of Roman Catholic teachings.
"They were witty and cultured, but also very friendly—I really don't meet too many people like that," the pope said of the couple, who excitedly suggested to him several off-the-beaten-path sights and "to die for" restaurants after he mentioned an upcoming trip to Buenos Aires. "Craig has a great passion for Italian painting, and I learned a lot from him about the Church's collection of Caravaggios. He's a real Renaissance man."
"I know what scripture says about homosexuals, but when I stop to think about it, I can't get past the fact that the Bible is just a book, and Tony and Craig are real people," Benedict added. "Love is love. Man-woman, man-man, woman-woman—who cares? The Catholic Church recognizes it's not the Stone Age anymore."
Invited on a personal tour of the Vatican, Housinger and Ruggiero were said to have charmed the College of Cardinals with amusing anecdotes from their seven-year relationship, displaying a playful yet tender affection for each other that deeply moved the clergy.
High-ranking officials within the Holy See said they were pleased to learn both partners were practicing Catholics who attend mass regularly, and were surprised to discover Housinger was employed as a general contractor, a profession none of them considered gay at all.
According to reports, the highlight of the afternoon came when the couple shared photographs of their adopted 14-month-old Cambodian daughter, Lorraine, whom the swooning clergy universally described as "angelic."
"Even if you just meet Tony and Craig for a few minutes, it's easy to see how supportive and patient they are," said the Most Rev. Francesco Coccopalmerio, the Vatican's top expert on canon law, who noted the two partners have a stronger bond than some of the married couples he knows. "You can tell they've created a perfect household for a child to grow up in. I just wish everybody could be raised by parents as devoted and caring as them."
Following a warm farewell in which Ruggiero hugged Benedict—an incident the Holy Father described as "not even weird or anything"—Vatican leaders are said to have unanimously agreed that it was "completely hypocritical" for anyone, especially those who have taken a vow of celibacy, to tell people whom they can or cannot share their lives with.
"If Tony and Craig want to exchange vows before God and their friends and family, where's the harm in that?" Benedict said. "It's not as if they're offending the sanctity of life, like those wicked birth control users who will toil for all eternity in hellfire."

Norwegian tragedy - further thoughts

The mental status of Anders Breivik has been much questioned in the past few days. Is he psychotic? one neighbour asked. Is he evil? asked another. Not sure simple binaries are ever going to be adequate. He does fit a pattern that can be recognised: loner, suspicious to the point of paranoia, especially negative about those who do not conform to their picture of 'normality'. There is often a negative attachment to the dominant hate group of the particular time (eg in the 1930s it was Jewish people as it is Muslim people in contemporary Europe). Furious at such concepts as multiculturalism and diversity. Especially angry at the idea of 'political correctness'.


Such characters live in a world of their own rarely able to engage in reciprocal relationship. Asexual rather than anything more relationally defined as heterosexual or gay. Rarely female, often deeply negative about women and out gay people. Psychopathic in terms of personality organisation. Obsessive.


Lonely childhoods. Remote or absent fathers. No or few adult relationships. Strong belief in rule of law (variously interpreted). Very angry with any variation or laxity in the application of rules/law. 


As to assessment and treatment, I think there are little or no grounds for optimism. For those in the mild category (very few I would imagine), a secure forensic therapeutic community with skilled, intensive group and individual work may be helpful. But for those in the moderate to severe categories I am not aware of much evidence of effective treatments at the moment. I would be interested in other views on this.


I have read reports that Anders Breivik liked the Eurovision Song Contest. He seemed to have enjoyed wearing uniforms and had attachments to extremists in the UK and to the notion of the Crusaders wiping out Islam from a white Christendom.


Local angle? Did Anders Breivik attend the EDL demonstration in LE1 in September 2010?
Check out the YouTube clips and read the Top Comments.




Background on the Knights Templar


http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/europe/norway/8659644/Norway-killer-who-were-the-Knights-Templar.html 

Norwegian tragedy

Watching the experts last night on BBC news 24 it was clear to them that the Islamic terrorists were responsible. Today, we are being told it is a "Christian fundamentalist". I would rather wait and see. Whoever did it there are many dead people, many of them young people.

New chair

Not perhaps the most flattering of attire but I thought my new chair would be of interest. It was designed and made by Naughtone a firm specialising in 'modern' furniture and based in Harrogate, Yorkshire. 

This corner of the living room is currently the base from which the blog is produced.

Reflection on the last year

It is a year this week since I went into hospital for what was to be a routine hip operation. In the event I have spent six of the twelve months as an in-patient, for the most part in a side-room - usually without TV.
Friends sometimes ask if I was bored or depressed or lonely. For the most, part I was not bored nor lonely and sometimes wished for more time-alone.

The recent heart incident has had a big impact in that it has made me very aware of being alive still and also  wanting to get on and do things but am not quite feeling ready.

I notice my interest in music has changed somewhat in that I much happier with Bach and Haydn but little else. Attention to reading is currently restricted to the ephemeral newspapers and weeklies.

One of my wishes is to live as close as I can to a major teaching hospital. Here in LE2 we are minutes away from three of them. My experience of the NHS, especially in acute medicine, is good. Indeed, I owe my life to it.

The daily round starts with the arrival of the morning carer at 7am. Four days a week it is the same man from Zimbabwe. We share much in common and I think we both enjoy talking politics. The evening carers are currently all Muslim men who delight in talking about their faith as they bathe my feet. What impresses is the natural way they talk about their faith and life, and, although they have their own agendas, their manner of speaking invites conversation. I stress similarities and they tend to difference. It makes for great fun for all of us.

There are visitors every day, neighbours calling by to see we are both alright, phone calls, emails, skype so there is little time to be bored. The delight for me is looking into the garden which is vibrantly alive with colour (still, for late July) and now graced by the presence of a white life-sized cow, seemingly liked by most people especially children.


Now, it is time to do the physiotherapy exercises and keep on mobilising.

Poussin and vandalism

The National Gallery has two paintings by Poussin. One of them was spray painted recently. See http://www.guardian.co.uk/artanddesign/jonathanjonesblog/2011/jul/18/poussin-golden-calf-national-gallery-security

How long for Mr Cameron?

A week ago  I predicted that Mr Cameron would be gone by the weekend. I was wrong. By last night he had gone but only on a trade trip to South Africa. It may turn out to be an unwise journey leaving him vulnerable to either the  end of the coalition and/or the men in grey suits with knives up their sleeves - especially his next door neighbour.

Oh dear, another day watching BBC NEWS 24. Can you imagine where we would be without the Guardian and the BBC plus a hand full of MPs?

What exactly happens in a same sex relationship?

The Guardian's obituary of the American dancer Merce Cunningham carried the story of his life's partner John Cage being asked about the nature of their relationship. "Well," he said, "I do the cooking ... and Merce does the dishes." 

Theo Hobson on St Marks in the Bowery

I wrote an article on this site* a few months ago in which I expressed a change of mind. After many years of kicking against my native Anglicanism, I found that the American version of it, the Episcopal church, was to my liking. I want to follow this up. Let me start with a shocking confession. It has crossed, and recrossed, my mind that maybe I should seek ordination into the Episcopal church. I don't know if they'll have me, but watch this space.

As I previously explained, this church is proof that Anglicanism is not necessarily defined by the intolerable (to me) conservatism of the C of E. There is a world elsewhere. I always vaguely knew this on a theoretical level, but since moving to New York I have experienced its truth.

But there is another factor in the rekindling of my Anglicanism, which I want to dwell on here. Church, the business of turning up on Sunday mornings, and joining in with the goings-on, isn't really so bad. I want to talk about worship! It feels almost taboo to raise the issue in any detail, even on the world's most intelligent and open-minded religion site. Can the atheists handle the provocation?

I've been attending a well-known arty-liberal church in Manhattan calledSt Marks in the Bowery. It has an excellent priest, a rising star of international liberal Anglicanism, called Winnie Varghese. It nearly always has amazing visiting musicians, often gospel-singers, which helps. But the main attraction is that it feels inclusive, participatory. The pews have gone, and the seats are arranged in an oval. There is no organ – both it and the pews were casualties of a fire some years ago – a godly fire in my view. I consider organ music too loud, too powerful – it alienates, cows. Instead, the liturgy is accompanied by a piano.

For the most part, let's be honest, there is nothing very remarkable about the service: readings and hymns, the choir doing a turn, prayers, the slightly awkward business (if you're a proper Englishman like me) of shaking people's hands at "the Peace", listening to a sermon, saying the creed together.

But then things change gear. The climax of an Anglican service is communion, or eucharist, but normally it doesn't feel like much of a climax; one stays in one's pew as the vicar gets busy at the altar, and then one lines up to receive the bread and wine. Here it is different: we all come forward and stand in a circle round the altar. The liturgy is mostly said by the priest, but we join in with a few setpiece prayers together, one or two of which are sung with gusto, and it's at this point I get a strange sensation: we are not dutifully going through the motions, but performing a ritual that feels alive. It is a bit like participating in a play in a theatre-in-the-round. There is a sense of dramatic excitement. We pass the bread and wine round in a circle, announcing "The body of Christ, the bread of heaven", and "The blood of Christ, the cup of salvation". There is a palpable sense, that I have never really had in English churches, that this ritual is powerful. At the risk of sounding a bit pretentious, there's a sort of primal force to it, not unrelated to a primitive rain-dance. We are doing something strange, other, mysterious: group sign-making of the most basic kind.

My new interest in liturgy led me to read an excellent book by Richard Giles, an English Anglican priest who worked in the US for a while, calledCreating Uncommon Worship. He is an evangelist for the ripping out of pews, so that worship is based around this drama of participation. This ought to become official Anglican policy immediately: our liturgy is a powerful thing that is normally thwarted by various forms of traditionalism, primarily architectural. The renewal of Anglicanism depends on a couple of things. One of these I have banged on about many times, and have pledged to shut up about for a while. The other is a new focus on ritual as a compelling, attractive thing – not due to some ornate performer up on stage but due to the participation of the community.

I don't know whether it reflects on my own spiritual dullness, or the incompetence of most churches, that it has taken me so long to realise: church can really work.

Comment is free at the Guardian

Hanna Segal Guardian obituary

http://www.guardian.co.uk/science/2011/jul/14/hanna-segal-obituary

by David Bell and John Steiner

A great contributor to psychoanalysis and a life well lived. I only wish I had had the opportunity to meet and talk with Dr Segal not least about some of her views on homosexuality - about which we would have disagreed and about aesthetics on which we would have agreed.

May she rest in peace.

5000 views

This week, should see the 5000th view of this blog. I thank viewers for their support and feedback.

End of week review

Apologies for not paying much attention to the blog this week but the need for a mental health break after all that has happened to me in the last month/year plus being over absorbed in the Murdoch stories are my excuses.

I am so pleased that generally we have a good press in the UK. I may not agree with the Telegraph on much but its work on MPs expenses and the Guardian's work on hacking are exemplary. I do not regret the demise of the News of the World. Its place will be filled by something.

The attempt by the boss of SPUC to get the Quest annual conference stopped or moved from church property was and is sad and shameful. I hope Vincent Nichols can stand up to the attempt and simply say NO. I won't be going to London Colney for the event but I wish it well. Margaret Morris and John Drane are speaking - I hope.

'Spreading the Word: AIDS Posters from Around the World'

'Spreading the Word: AIDS Posters from Around the World'

An exhibition curated by Dr Sarah Graham of the University of Leicester

An exhibition of posters promoting AIDS awareness at New Walk Museum, 53 New Walk, Leicester. Drawn from the archive of the Wellcome Library, London, the posters show the various ways in which international health organisations have used visual art to inform the public about HIV and AIDS, which now affects more than 34 million people worldwide.

July 2011 marks 30 years since the identification of a disease that went on to become the most serious epidemic in history: AIDS. It is also 20 years since the introduction of the red ribbon as a symbol of AIDS awareness. This exhibition has been organised in recognition of these anniversaries.

Curated by Dr Sarah Graham from the School of English, this exhibition is intended to appeal to everyone but in particular, the exhibition will appeal to those interested in any of these subjects: specifically, the diverse ways in which nations, ethnicities and religions have responded to the challenges of AIDS; more generally, the subjects of gender, race and sexuality; visual art and advertising; cultural and social history; healthcare promotion.

Open to the public from Friday 15th July 2011 - Sunday 28th August 2011. (Monday - Saturday: 10.00am - 5.00pm; Sunday: 11.00am - 5.00pm.)

Steve Coogan's finest so far

BBC tv last Friday night had this altercation between Steve Coogan and a former NOTW journalist who kept popping up last week defending but actually attacking anyone who was critical of Murdoch.

Reflections on Leicester concert by Stephen Hough

I would not normally cross the road let alone go to a concert of music by Scriabin and Liszt but the appearance of Stephen Hough at the New Walk art gallery and museum in Leicester was not to be missed. Blog readers will know I have just come out of hospital where I immersed myself in Bach: The 48, the Partitas and the Goldberg variations all played by Angela Hewitt. The contrast could not have been greater.

Stephen Hough played, Beethoven (Moonlight), his own sonata for piano (Broken Branches), Scriabin sonatas no 5 and no 4 and Liszt's sonata in B minor. His manner of performance made me think of a spiritual master about to give a talk. He comes on, sits quietly as if centering himself then launches forth. For me, the highlight of the evening was his own Broken Branches sonata. The rest was wonderfully played, musical and muscular.

The evening ended with three encores. He came over as such a generous man and musician.

Speaking briefly to him after the concert I thought what a normal person also - without pretence or side to him.

Wonderful evening.

Amazon review of Intelligent Kindness Ballat and Campling 2011

I have spent more than half of the last twelve months in an NHS hospital. The kind of hospital that makes me want to thank God for the NHS. Clean, friendly, strong research base, well trained staff. Good outcomes. What made the hospital special though was the culture of kindness that I experienced and witnessed most of the time. In fact, the occasional lapse only served to make the dominant culture clearer. 

Intelligent Kindness is an important book and should be read by all who are involved in healthcare. This means clinicians, administrators, politicians, taxpayers and other citizens, ....everybody. However technical and evidence based it needs to be, at its heart is the centrality of relationships and the NHS is fundamentally an act of love. Although this may embarrass some, love is the central activity and this is a religious/political stance to the world. Of course, it is not party political nor denominational but it is act of charity and duty to care for the sick.Intelligent Kindness shows is how love is translated into action. 

The book is of its time. It addresses the damage being done to the NHS by the current coalition regime and the authors do not hide behind a pseudo social science mask of objectivity. It is polemical in places but it needs to be. I cannot imagine any of the Hebrew Prophets adopting a "on the one hand this and the other hand that" BBC even handedness. Neither do the authors but they do respect their readers and write in a thoroughly accessible manner. 

I strongly commend this book. 


Dr Bernard Ratigan 
Consultant Adult Psychotherapist 

UKCP Psychoanalytic Psychotherapist 
BCP award for outstanding professional leadership 2010 

The Murdoch saga

The News of the World has gone. In my family home it was never allowed in the house. My mother especially was very negative about its contents and how its victims -these were usually the 'guilty' parties in divorce proceedings- some times even killed themselves. It had a particular fascination clergy and other professionals and seemed to take glee in their failures.

I can remember the first time I looked at it when I was about 18 and felt revolted at its contents. Just how many "bent" organists, scout masters and vicars were there? Even in 1963 its homophobic agenda (except we did not call it so in those days) was clear.

The damage it has done to LGBT people is beyond calculation.

Now it is gone. Those who would say that it is alright for Murdoch to have more TV in the UK than he already owns really ought to try and watch Fox News in the USA to see the future.

Murdoch is a papal knight. The knighthood is bestowed upon people of "unblemished character".

Thursday 7th July

On getting a good night's sleep. As a chronic insomniac to get such a treat is wonderful even if it was assisted by various pharmaceutical products. Waking up feeling so much more alive and better is such a contrast to the last few weeks in hospital.

X, one of the agency carers, arrived promptly at 7 am and he performs his duties accompanied by our conversation on the news story of the day - hacking and News International. From a central African former British colony, he despairs at the ignorance he finds in so many British people about politics, international affairs and science. He is able to see the benefits as well as the limitations of his country being a former colony. It is a delight to have him as he not only knows how to wash me but we live in the same intellectual world and he clearly enjoys our conversations as much as I do. We may occasionally disagree over some not unexpected areas ("The African man...." he knows as he utters such a phrase is going to get me going). He is much better on the Markan priority or problems with the infancy narratives in Matthew and Luke - all this from his O level scripture in his mission school many decades ago.

Today, he brings news he has passed his first year exams on his university degree course. That he is able to work full time at this back-breaking, split shift (and I believe non unionsed)  job and do a degree as well is testimony to his ability and character.

Home on Wednesday

I will be returning home on Wednesday having been given all the appropriate clearances with a "package of care" that hopefully will deliver what I need in terms of care for the next six weeks.

Thanks for all the support and encouragement.

Also, the mobile number reverts to 07912 359 559 as usual.

Tuesday

Gap in posting as increase in physiotherapy activity leaves me exhuasted and also now have the challenge of a battle with social services over provision of help and therapy services when I get home. Have been given all clear by most of the disciplines.

Hope to be home in a few days and return to normality.

LE2 man made bishop

Well, I think so. If the press releases are correct John Sherrington, is from hereabouts and attended Thomas More Church and School before Wyggeston Boys in Leicester and reading maths at Cambridge. Currently parish priest of Good Shepherd, Arnold, Nottingham he is to be consecrated auxiliary bishop of Westminster (Vincent Nicols). It will be interested to see what the attack dogs of the new right wing find to say about him. I think it is a really good appointment but there again I am biased.

http://www.rcdow.org.uk/diocese/default.asp?library_ref=4&content_ref=3410

Sunday

Yesterday, the first full day back on the orthopaedic ward, I managed twice, with physio help, to walk a dozen steps each time with frame. Exhausting. Today, I hope to double the distance.

I have returned to listening to French (mainly Catholic) radio stations to see if I can still understand French. I can. It is a relief as retreat from the constant having to search for (English) words as happened after the heart failure.

I have been thinking about examples of visual culture (paintings mainly) illustrating or made for medico-religious buildings between ±1400 and ± 1600. Any sources jump to mind?

Back in Ward 29

After all those days away in Intensive Care and Coronary Care and Cardiology wards, last evening I came back to the orthopaedic ward where I spent 5 months of last year and three days in mid June before the cardiac event. All seems well with my heart (other than stopping beating) and I am now in possession of pace maker. Mobilisation comes slowly after all this time. I am here for a combination of physiotherapy and for the politics of health/social services to decided on what level of support I am to have when I return home. I hope it will be soon.

Intelligent kindness: reforming the culture of healthcare JohnBallatt&PenelopeCampling

My two friends John and Penny's labour of love was published this week. It looks excellent. It needs to be read by everyone in this democracy not just clinicians, managers and policy makers.

see:http://www.amazon.co.uk/Intelligent-Kindness-Reforming-Culture-Healthcare/dp/1908020040/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1309551164&sr=8-1

Gay Pride at 40

It is hard to believe that this anniversary is upon us http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-london-13965769

Much has been achieved and so much remains to be done. At my bedside this afternoon trying to explain to a senior anglican hospital chaplain who seemed to struggle to grasp that even I, a reasonably assertive, verbal intelligent gay man may find it intimidating in the wards of a public hospital. There is much to be done to make otherness more understandable to the majority. It needs more than legislation, which has its place in my view, but metanoia - changing of the heart.

Those of us who travelled to London in the early days of gay pride grew up and lived in fear. We were few in number but we learned about solidarity on the streets not in books. Many are now dead, not least from HIV in the 80s and 90s. Little did we think so much would be achieved - MAs in queer studies, the pink pound LGBT consultants, civil partnerships and gender recognition to grasp at just a few. The fact that at the moment many LGBT people seem apolitical does not mean that, come winter, they might not become militant activists (I hope).

In memoriam victims of the Admiral Duncan bombing, Old Compton Street, Soho 30 April 1999.